Before

road. empty.
low hum
dog-whine.
glance down, glance up
turn.

road. cars.
no lights.
too fast.
not moving.
brake.
no reaction.
too fast, too fast.
left.
no room.
right, possible.
brake, please brake.
not quick
too fast.
missed, oh thank you
semi closer, white.
no shoulder, no room.
please don't flip.
please don't flip.
aim for the narrow
too fast, too fast.
almost there,
almost clea....

9/23/02

Beat

Yo, I need to remind you
Of somethin' I told you,
So back up, sit down, shut up and listen
Cause I'm tired of bein'
The point that you're missin'.

You boys are the same
All playing the game
I ain't fallin' for that
I ain't your door mat
I don't need your flowers
I got my own powers
So, Bubba, beware
And get outta my hair
It's time you were gone
You're makin' me yawn
I'm outta your league
So don't get fatigued
Leave me alone
Before your cover is blown
You think you're all that
With your rabbit and hat
But yo, Magician
You ain't no technician
So roll up those sleeves
You don't fool me.

I stand on my own feet
Walk to my own beat
Get out of my fight
You're blocking my light
I don't need you,
Yo, baby, I don't need you.

9/22/02

Worthy

And so you've come to me
Like you always do
And so I look at you
Like the scum you are

How dare you ask for me
When all you've done is beg
Who do you think you are?

I am a princess
in the ivory tower
I am a queen
guarding many lands
I am an Empress
ruling many queens.

What deeds have you done
What kingdoms have you won
To lay before my feet?

You are not worthy
You are not worthy.

6/4/02

Hunger

I want.
I need.
I hunger.
I, I, I.
Always the selfish I.
But,
I want you.
I need you here within me.
I hunger for the taste, the smell of you.
Always I.
But, I can't help it.
I long for freedom, to break these chains of guilt.
I want you.
May I? Dare I?
Perhaps just a taste.
I look slowly toward where you lie...
And lift my fork.

5/13/02

Own True Match

Come back to me, come back to me
My own true Match.

Left to my right,
Green as my green,
Weave of my weave,
And a black toe seam.

We used to nestle close,
Surrounded by family and kin,
His top folded safe around me,
With the bight tucked under my chin.

I fear my Match has left me,
Gone far away from home,
He was with me in wearing and washing,
But I returned alone.

Come back to me, come back to me
My own true Match.

Left to my right,
Green as my green,
Weave of my weave,
And a black toe seam.

That gale of a wash,
It battered us sound,
The wild foam whipped us,
As the beaters went 'round.

Then oh! that furnace,
That cast into were we,
With fearful flames raging,
And roasting, you see.

Come back to me, come back to me
My own true Match.

Left to my right,
Green as my green,
Weave of my weave,
And a black toe seam.

Oh Match, my beautiful, flawless Match,
For you my knits are filled with woe,
Oh Match, my wonderful peerless Match,
(He *did* look just like me, you know.)

Should my Match ever return,
From his wanderings astray,
Will he still be my perfect Match,
As he was yesterday?

Will his green be paled and faded,
Will his weave be rought and torn,
Will his seam be turned to gray,
Will his heel be smooth and worn?

Come back to me, come back to me
My own true match.

Left to my right,
Green as my green,
Weave of my weave,
And a black toe seam.

Now, discarded I lie,
In the box at back of the closet,
Waiting, wating with my fellow Matchless,
Until a child should want for a puppet.

Come back to me, come back to me
My own true match.

Left to my right,
Green as my green,
Weave of my weave,
And a black toe seam.

4/11/2002

Once

Once I hoped to find
Someone I could trust with me
Once I longed to look past myself
to see far within the eyes of someone else

Perhaps just over one more hill
Perhaps beyond the sea
And somewhere once,
Just maybe one more day
Just once you would be there to see
These tears upon my face, not asking you to stay
Just hold me once and you would know...

a waiting heart
a seeking soul
a hand outstretched to you
a midnight dance
an evening flower
Love, I belong to you.

So, turn if you must go
I know there's someone else
but I couldn't simply let things be.

Because,
Perhaps just over one more hill
Perhaps beyond the sea
And somewhere once,
Just maybe one more day
Just once you would be there to see
These tears upon my face, not asking you to stay
Just hold me once and you would know...

3/1/2002
 
 
 
 

This arm around me
such warmth, safety
so many comforts.

An encircling wall
protecting me,
making me feel a treasure,
for,
what use an empty barricade?

Firm weight of strength
my heart that fluttered in anticipation
now basks in the stillness of knowledge,
even mud and straw may support stone.

A place to grow, a place to flower,
but beyond that,
a place to root.

This arm around me,
this phantom.
When?

2/26/2002
 
 
 
 

Two paths forward,
One path back.
Each step further,
Chill past death
Terror and cause
Locked in balance
Fortune's favor
Victor's cost

Mirrored journey
Silent flux
Ancient paths.

2/07/2002
 
 
 
 

Shadows pass.
Sunlight gleams, fades, casts shadows.
Repetition.

Silent darkness is the absence of glory, but
Shadows are cast reflections of that which reflects glory.
Turn, sun.
Turn again, darkness.
Turn, glory.
Turn again, shadow.
Why live in shadow?
Look again.

Clouds fly.
Sunlight gleams, fades, casts shadows.
Shadows pass.
Repetition.

Someday, glory banishes clouds.
'till then,
Turn.

11/14/2001
 
 
 
 

I want a picture
in colors, not grey
The perfect painting
of midnight and day

It it so wrong?
That perfect completion
image, words
Someone to echo
understanding the way
knowing the script
and what I must say
That moonlight is dancing
and sunshine, rose

Silence is precious
but speak to my heart.

9/23/2001
 
 
 
 

This state,
warm, empty, lonely,
solidarity.
So precious, achingly sweet.

Words!  I summon thee!
From the deeps of my soul, arise,
Bubble forth
and be spread so lovingly on this page.

The gurgle of the wellsprings,
the metallic rattle  of the slendor chain
fragile connection to my worn bucket
harnessing a hint of that flow under earth,
under foot,
soul's blood,
Water of life.

5/12/01
 
 
 
 

Some might say these keys are cold,
lifeless grey on black.
Others may claim a fleshless void
stark, empty, soulless.
For me I say the world is colder
with its careless moving forms.

Look past the void and truly see
'tis no void at all.
See, here is my hearth and those of my friends
companions in life,
comrades in crime.
A village no less for spanning the miles,
bonded by thought, not by birth.
The compelling call to return home
answered at the touch of a key.

3/11/01
 
 
 

Painted faces waxen,
they gaze at me blankly
my voice, measure of their life.

Watch, silent,
and they live, laughing, hating, loving

Speak and they return to hollow, empty
masks, fixed, frozen;
waiting for my words with polite
smiling fiction in the foreground
a thin mirror over bewildered eyes.

11/25/00
 
 

Silence reaps its own reward
from the hunter to the death of the prey

Casting a veil of gossamer shadow,
concealing nothing, proclaiming all
by its very presence.

Contrived ignorance availing naught but
to underscore the certainty within.
So simple just to slip away, wrapped
in satins of fantasy
Seductive silks of dreamworlds
far more inviting than truth.

10/21/00
 
 

Under the animé sky, before the painted horizon

At silent cost she walks alone
'mid night hours and darkness deep
a bitter smile crosses her tears
fair warning bid to all who see.

10/?/00
 
 
 

A pulsar, look deep
stare far into space to find
a chill glowing spark,
closer, closer...

Cry out in sweetbitter agony as the harsh flare sears your sight,
forever imprinted upon your soul
the illusion of brightness remaining
long after the cruel light is gone.
follow, follow,
closer still
be patient,
the torture will return
be blinded again after hope long fails.

Look still to my eyes,
the cobra's gaze,
no, better the Midas-Medusa
all I glance on turns to sightless malleable gold,
so much is worth nothing,
less than nothing.
only rarity is prized,
like my pulsar's flash above the blue moon.

Go ahead, be silenced, Fool!
You dared to peer, now reap the price.
You fearless Night,
fear is no coward's brand when prudence calls for flight.
My glory is mine, but also my shame
brilliance that burns and darkness that blinds,
Death, great Healer she is,
she follows my Day to catch those who see,
but once and hence the memory serves
to guide the dumb
in words they do not hear, to the chasm they cannot see.
Leap, o Fools!
Dare ye to spring into that Void?

My Star, she watches, her helpless plight;
to save the Ships that sail the Deep, to warn so clearly of that Void,
never a hand to bridge the Gap.
braid of the Dark, Lash of the sun,
My siren song that I cannot, must not still.

Bitter, bitter
flows the sea,
and colder still, the Night.

9/18/00
 
 
 

I lived a song that could be,
must be,
wouldn't be.
stillborn mute,
screaming.

Oh for what should have been!
but will not be.
for it lies alone in the dust
of the path ahead.

6/12/00
 
 
 

I chanced to glance at a meadow today,
Caught by a twinkling light
a light that glimmered where none ought be
I froze in the night as I stared

to the shadows
of the copse of Georgia pine

A moment,
    it passed.
A second,
    it passed.
Then I laughed at my glorious vision

A flicker that caught
    then passed to another
the flame that captured my eye
Quick as a flash,
    a wave was kindled
of fire that swept through the sky.

A thousand signals
    a thousand thousand
stars set free
and brought to life,
fallen diamonds of midnight.

5/29/00
 
 
 
 

I cried for the fallen past today,
a tear too precious to shed.
I looked at the sunset and wondered
admired, loved, treasured for a moment,
but shall I be like the sunset,
forgotten when faded away?
What shall I leave behind me,
for what shall I have laboured?
A home a husband, a God-fearing family,
riches or fame and renown
What shall my legacy be?
When all is said and finished
when at last my pen lies still,
I cannot possibly have lived in vain
if I have lived with honor.

5/19/00
 
 
 

O the wild beauty of a storm!
flashing, glinting diamonds
cascading down from the black night sky
thrown, hurled cruelly to the Earth
as if discarded from Heaven
left over, unused stars with no
further purpose than to burst forth
in brilliantine starbursts,
fireworks of water exploding in glory
over the thirsty Land.

5/1/00
 
 
 

A tear for mistaken identity,
a tear for a dream's end
a tear for a heat's ache
and a tear for a broken hope.

But a radiant smile for new life's beginning,
a brilliant smile for freedom
a smile for finding
and a smile for knowing
and a smile for daring to dream
a smile for gifting my life to another
and a smile for beautiful hope.

4/9/00
 
 
 

Ash

Scatter the splinters of my soul
scatter the shards of my heart
Give them a burial at sea
scatter the ash of my dreams

Flames once burned
so brightly high
fires that raged within my soul
out of control,
consuming all
then left to die,
in darkening day,
to chill the night.

Scatter the splinters of my soul
scatter the shards of my heart
Give them a burial at sea
scatter the ash of my dreams

3/23/00
 
 
 

Song of the Westwind's Rising

And so I long for that day
When once more a thought
    and a heart draws near
and somehow whispers to me

Once more for the wind, oh
Once more for the sun
Once more, oh once more for thee

Winter and springtime and summer's fall
come together and herald thee
seastorm and flowers and harvest gold
song of the west wind' s rising

Silver mist and golden gloom
soft lamplight pooling
glistening gleam of dew on grass
once more, oh once more for thee.

3/23/00
 
 
 

A drawn bowstring aquiver
stretched forth in anticipation
held back,
waiting, waiting, waiting...

brought back finally to lie limp
exhausted by yearning
bedraggled, crestfallen, disappointed,
useless once more.

repetition of idle conceit breeds despair
anxiety of tension, never a release,
madness.

3/14/00
 
 
 
 

Leaves of autumn, russetted gold,
lying forlorn and forgotten
below first flower'd blades

As melting snow trickles
curving and falling amid the pebbles across my way
finally cascading to join the brook beside me
that follows my heels as a puppy
It laughs at me, at my companion's steadfast gloom
playing tag with uncertain glances
running ahead, darting back with a splash
showing by reflected moonface a few feet further,
by step.

3/3/00
 
 
 

Mystry'd winds bring shadows
blown from crevasse drear
Sweet billowed smoke to confound the mind
and hide the flame consuming the soul
Storm of winter snow's rising
freezing flame and soul alike
Ashen remains of ensooted mind,
left to ponder the wind.

3/1/00
 
 
 
 

I dreamed a dream that once was
    a dream of dreams to me
I dreamed a dream that once was
    a dream of what may be
I dreamed a dream that once was
I dreamed a dream that could be
I dreamed a dream,
    of erstwhile seem
A dream of thee and me.

2/28/00
 
 
 

With the waters' bubble beside me,
flowing down from the heights of stone,
I sit below and wonder
while the misted rainbows rise.
I see in the flowers around me
the falling petal's gloam,
a picture of what once was
and a glimpse of what might be
whisper once, whisper twice,
sing to the winds that return
and though the labour of life must follow,
the echoing image does too.

2/18/00
 
 
 

fosterling, changeling
something once known
a knife to shred, shed?
erstwhile seem
in darkness, 'twas fair
daylight and reason
logic of light
scattered gloaming
midst forgotten ruin
clearly the brightness
pinpointed flaws
yet mist of dreaming
chasm obscured.

2/11/00
 
 
 

Walk in shadows, unseen by all
though to fancy invisibility,
sheer folly.
Banished to darkness, yet seeking the light
forever to flee the embrace of the sun
trapped in the twin clasp of twilight and dawn,
between absence and color,
in grey.

2/7/00
 
 
 

With the dim of merriment pounding
through the floor and my head,
I dance in love and revelry.
but the shift in music brings
a likewise shift in my heart
as the seething crowd around me fades
and the lonely emptiness echoes in the
silence of my thoughts.

1/27/00
 
 
 
 

And thus spare no passing thought for such a one as I
'Tis but a vain, fool hope of mine
To have mere once caught the light
And reflect a borrowed glory's gleam.

Alas for me, thy sight 'twas keen
That sparing not a glance at me
Hasten'd thence toward beauty's source
With nary a pause for its seem.

1/26/00
 
 
 
 

What happens when dreams
scatter and take flight?

A kite soars high above the earth
wings spread wide,
unfettered.

Silk and steel reflect spun gold
wind strains
a gilded sunlit cage

Scornful scream of gliding kite
rings down around
its glory-echo

Captive ideals cannot sail
aloft unless
untethered.

Who sends the sky-current,
the bearer of dreams?

12/11/99
 
 

In the mist of morning twilight
Far below, along the shore
With the sand stretched before me
Here I wander thither there

Far away to the ocean
In the sea's brilliant green
And the white foam before me
Over the waves crashing low

And I see, ever fleeting
Reflected hither, there, and yon
The silvren echoes shimmering
Through my tears of days gone by

Wonder when the mist will rise
I wonder when the tide will turn
As I stand on the seashore
Wandering.

And see how the moonlight is my only friend now
And see how the stars are my sole companions
See how the darkness softly enfolds me
Look and remember when you were mine.

And as I walk through this world all alone now
And as you someday will think of me
Look at the stars on some winter's evening
Look at the night sky and see me there.

And see how the moonlight is my only friend now
And see how the stars are my sole companions
See how the darkness softly enfolds me
Look and remember, look and remember
Look and remember what might have been.

11/28/99
 
 
 
 

Silvren darkness shining in
the mist of winter night
As the chill drew dark around me
so did I embrace the light.
Bright reason is as cold
as the moon's piercing glow
So then do I seek the shadows
and by this my answer give.

11/20/99
 
 
 
 

Spanning a chasm, miles deep
I am a bridge.

Between the shores there is a path
a connection from those alone
to the great multitude beyond.

In the mist of morning I appear as vision
in even shadows, dream
yet none of those who praise my stature
stay till clear light reveals my rusty frame.

Rooted firmly in each ledge
I hang over empty space,
another journey road to tread.

Many cross over and continue
I stand alone.

8/31/99
 
 
 
 

Beyond resignation,
beyond waiting,
beyond searching,
beyond watching.

I go on by step
pacing steadily through life
rapids, eddies, currents
still pools,
impedances and detours
but one destination,
one journey,
one path,
one life,
alone.

7/27/99
 
 
 

I hear a knocking, knocking, knocking
Shy tentative some
others bold, brash, arrogant

So wearisome, this waiting
So bothersome and distracting
Is there not more to do in my life
beside listen and answer doors?

I am not ready to be won.
I am not willing to even be contested for
I am beyond the struggle, I am myself
The Empress of Constainia has
no need for a 'protector'
nor a guardian, nor a slave
When a friend comes in need, he may
find hospitality, but not a home.

My home is for my best friend,
my partner in crime, my trusted confidante
He for whom I can truly be all of
myself without fear.

early summer/?/99
 
 
 

An empty room,
I dance
the enclosing walls fade away
a pirouette,
a leap
swirl of skirts
laughing
I fall to the floor.

Creak of wooden board
startled,
I whirl
to glimpse
only the retreating back of my
unrealized audience.

7/25/99
 
 
 

Intriguing how
My art, my poetry
reflects
my life
inversive relations
increase in direct
proportion to chaos

Order, rhythm, certainty
contrast
shifts, shimmers, sliding
melting
to ruin
change must be
growth for life
yet
uncertainty inherent

summer/99
 
 
 

Wistful sighs
 and hopeful looks
blooming at last
into sparkling eyes
and dancing glances

Lonely hearts
and searching souls
peace found finally
turning together
to face forever

Esther, my sister
not simply by blood,
joyful and proud am I to say
Craig, my brother
not simply by blood.

5/28/99
 
 
 

There are dirty minutes on my hands
filthy seconds under my nails
the mangled corpse lies before me,
beneath my triumphant foot
stain of wasted life expanding
taint of guilt-ridden conscious
Foul murderess of Time.

5/10/99
 
 
 

Waving lilies in broad field dread fair
aged horrored beauty,
Pale whitenesses pure, concealing-
emphasizing foul desecration.

4/12/99
 
 
 

a yonder light glimmers
from darkness pale
steady in silent watch
waiting...

thus doth life pass
in silent reverie
watchful night
fading into waiting days
morning's grays
and nightfall's rose
in midnight combine
to blinding colour
in the dance and song
of life's light
daylight creeping,
stealing time
when darkened shadows
engulf my soul
light only seemest
black noon in real
twilight falling,
rescues my dying light
in song in glowing embers
fanned into flaming openly
my song, my dance, my light,
my life.

spring/99
 
 
 
 

Fraudulent veneer
ice over flame
fire over stone
flesh over steel
iron over bone

lies over truth
honor over deceit
outrage over calm
silence over hate.

?/99
 
 
 
 

Dance the storm
race the wind
darkness of cloud
flash into light
flicker of shadows
myriad fleeing
roll of glory

whirlwind dervish
taunts, begging...

gentle gale's kiss
ice of wild zephyr's caress
fly on the wings of the night.

3/18/99
 
 
 
 

Thus and thus doth life turn
with the repetition, reparation
of past and future mistakes
the shifting of time and season
bringing only an endlessly
changing background
of death.

3/5/99
 
 
 
 

Myself and I

I once was afraid of Myself,
I let her out to play very rarely on a very short leash
and then carefully locked her away again in her cage.

Then one day she ran away from me
She left for a long while.
And when she returned, she had grown,
far beyond her cage.

So I made a truce with Myself,
a rather wary treaty
She would not go back, and I was still afraid.
If I would let her stay out and play, she said,
I'd learn to trust her.

Now I'm still learning,
and she's still playing, out in the sun.
But I'm much happier now,
and so is Myself.

2/28/99
 
 
 

Silent running through
lonely night darkness in
solitary soul wall of
grey stone strong with
knowing winter chill in
lifeless heart warmth where
wandering winter night and
silent walker listens.

2/4/99
 
 
 

A wandering soul,
in darkness fears
when winds betray
and cast her near.

A wounded heart
that seeks to trust
yet pained too often
stalked by lust

A wistful spirit
that dares to listen
for speech is fleeting
when tears glisten

A waiting life
for her passes by
though those who watch
perchance to sigh.

2/4/99
 
 
 
 

Silence, golden silence
indefinite boundaries,
Golden mean, golden rule,
golden advice, yet
golden root of evil.

1/29/99
 
 
 

Wherefore silence is mine friend
forsooth, by its very nature
a comfort
Safe is silence, yet danger lies
therein
To speak equals vulnerability,
to live silent,
death.

1/22/99
 
 
 

Solemn faces
Deathly silence
Condolences

Long lines
Last respects
Stories told

Dragging feet
Even tears-
Death of summer

1/19/99
 
 
 

There is a glade
in a far away land
deep in a darkling forest
ray of sunshine
calls to me
calling, drawing,
dragging me nigh

There is a song
in a far away land
deep in a darkling forest
music of light
calls to me
calling, drawing,
dragging me nigh

There is no one in the forest
There is no one in the glade
There is no one to hear the music
There is no one to see the light

Peace reigns there
peace, with dark foreboding
darkness, save for the light
silence, save for the song.

1/11/99
 
 
 

There are sounds pleasing to the ear
Sounds accusing, funny, or sad
Ugly and even depraved

Yet there is something more, beyond them all
There is that which is music
That which makes one's soul sing
In the beautiful, terrible resonance
Through the agonizing, heart wrenching
Glory of it all
Comes the aching need
To respond, to echo the song

1/9/99
 
 
 

The Dance of Words

Whisper of winds
Gradually building
Dancing zephyr
Dancing with words
Listen to the Winds
Music begins
Find the courage to enter the song.

The Dance of Words goes on in state with
Life of its own and ken
Granting those who dare the flow
Gifts it bears upon the wind
The Winds of Elocution blow
Caprice
Even in eddies
Power abounds
Motion in poetry
Danger in motion
Heed the warning of the Winds.

12/22/98
 
 
 

The storm's ending brings a new glow to the dawn,
As the rainswept lands reveal their true glory
previously hidden by clouddarkened skies.
The sunlight's rays strike the pooling water left by the falling rain
creating reflections of the glory in the new day.
Wandering forth, what seeth the eyes that so recently
were blinded in the dark of the night.
What beauty is seen when the clouds are lifted,
that though 'twas there before, was unseen.
Trees beaten down, by strong winds unseen
Now slowly return upright,
aided by the gentle breeze brought with the sun's rising.
Some could not survive through the stormwinds' raging.
Others are left broken and barely alive.
But those bent lowest are those which spring highest,
upon the cessation of the gale.

9/29/98
 
 
 

I cried out in my anguish
into the Void
In my self-imposed isolation
I wandered in despair.
Wailing in the blackness
My soul sinks in agony
I stumbled, falling to my knees
Body and soul, they conspired against me.

I screamed defiance and despair
And the Void laughed at me,
Its chill seeped into my bones
I raged against it to no avail.
It drained me into exhaustion
Then I accepted my fated doom.
Better the chill of the Void's reality
Than the fantastic distorted dreamscapes of the world.
Seeing this, I slipped away to oblivion.

At the brink of the cliff overlooking my fate
I was disturbed from my reverie
I heard a cry echoing my own anguish
Startled I turned to peer into the darkness
Nothing was visible in that black of despair
So I called out in the night
And something answered me.

Was it merely a returning echo of myself?
Or was it something or someone
Experiencing the agony I thought was solely my own
Who is this, trapped in my own prison?

The solitary prison of my mind
Is disturbed by the realization of another prisoner
How did you get inside my soul?
And how dare you distract me from my own misery?
My heart is jarred from the contemplation of doom
By the overwhelming instinct to disregard my own pain
And comfort another's tortured soul.

9/28/98
 
 
 

There is a freedom in confinement
That very few realize.
Only those behind bars
And those with no limits
Know the power of a wall.

One has hope of that which is beyond,
And one has no concept of hope.
A frightening thing,
To live without walls.
Unlocking the doors of
The broad plain of the soul
An astonishing terrible expanse
No borders, no edges
Empty... yet full of one's self.
Perhaps the most frightening thing of all,
Is to face one's soul.

9/18/98
 
 
 

Dawn breaketh not,
But creepeth
Slipping silently around the hills.

Night fleeth not
But seeketh-
Embracing the dawn
As it slips from dusk's grasp and destroys it.

late summer/?/98
 
 
 

When tempers grow short
And nothing goes right
Remember God loves you
And He's in control.

No matter what happens
No matter how tired
He's there to give rest
To work-weary feet.

He takes burdens from hands
And loads from backs
Bearing them all
In the trek to the Cross.

So pause in your work
Take courage and heart
Lay down your trials
And take up His peace.

Summer/98
 
 
 
 

I see a meadow of green
I see sky of blue
I see a flower of white
Reflected in the waterfall's sheen.

I hear a songbird's call
I hear a cricket's chirp
I hear a whispering wind
Twining through the branches in fall.

I smell a hint of pine
I smell a fresh-blown rose
I smell the will-o-the-wisp
Growing in the hidden woodbine.

7/18/98
 
 
 

Weakness of body,
Weakness of mind,
Weakness of soul.
All are despised,
And rightly so.

Strength of body,
Strength of mind,
Strength of soul.
All are prized,
And rightly so.

Once strong,
No longer.
Once prized,
No longer.
Weakness is despicable,
So I must be despised.
And rightly so.

7/12/98
 
 
 
 

What good can be in weakness?
Only the strong survive.
I am myself and I am strong,
But my body betrays me.
A reminder of humanity?
Perhaps.

But though I am arrogant,
Am I a braggart?
And though I am delusional,
Do I not have a firm sense of reality?
An oxymoron?
Indeed.

This is me, the contradiction in terms
I enjoy the 'womanly' arts, I am an artist.
But I am athletic and I love a good fight.
I have a mind that is cold,
Yet my heart aches in empathy.
I am a lone wolf, yet I can 'read' people.
Why do they fear me?

7/12/98
 
 
 
 

I am the lone wolf that walks though walls.
They fear me because they do not understand
I go where no one knows- within.
Retreat within, close the gates
I do not wish to know.

A curse and a fearsome power
Responsibility and madness
It fails me when I need it most
And returns when I want it not
What use is knowing, yet not knowing?

7/12/98
 
 
 

From a legion of many,
One.
Why is victory as bitter as defeat?

Out from the desert,
A single horseman.
Where are thy proud companions?

Thee didst ride forth in strength,
Thou returnest in weakness
Who hast done this to thee?

A drawn face, weary limbs,
A horse ridden nigh unto exhaustion.
What battles didst thou fight?

Memory of horror and fire
A bloody battlefield.
How canst thou stay sane?

From a legion of many,
One.
When shalt they see futility?

7/?/98
 
 
 

Desert wandering
Truth searching
Soul aching
Heart breaking
Hand reaching
Not finding.

6/29/98
 
 
 
 

Standing in a barren landscape
Silence in multitudes
An island in a continent
Floating encased in concrete
Falling through solid ground

Echoes in a coffin
Walls across a clear plain
Drowning in desert
Starving at a feast
Touching without contact

Running through the ocean
Swimming in space
Sight without eyes
Painting in shackles
Bodiless aching

Isolation.

6/29/98
 
 
 

Why do I sit here and delude myself?
Most times I'm fine.  I hold up well.
I put on a good show.
But inside, sometimes I'm crying.

No one sees, I don't want them to.
They wouldn't understand, they never do.
Who will know what I know,
Yet feel what I feel?

Loneliness, emptiness, isolation
The desolate barrens of my soul
Echoes of my thoughts and
Pale reflections of people.

6/11/98
 
 
 

A bubble, nothing can pierce
An island, in the middle of land
Alone with a multitude of people
A glass room people walk by.

Reach out and touch without feeling
Look around and see only strange reflections
Listen, like an eavesdropper
Speak not, for no one can hear.

Take no irrevocable action now
Until the moment passes
Question everything done before
And know not the reply.

5/23/98
 
 
 
 

It's kind of a strange feeling,
Looking back.
You look at the struggles,
The trials and fears
in wonder, realizing they're gone.

You see where you've grown without
Noticing.
The understanding of why
Brings a new perception
Of strength, beginnings of wisdom.

Some were hard-fought battles with
Clear victory.
Others were long treks through tunnels.
Without sight of the darkness so gradually building,
Suddenly light blinds you, granting vision of past pain.

Now with knowledge of your strength
Look forward.
The struggles that are coming
Hold no apprehension
Peace, with a solid foundation.

5/21/98
 
 
 

Once I walked alone, down by the sea.
I stopped and looked out over the waves,
Wondering at the sun's setting glory.
I turned to say, 'Isn't that beautiful?'
But I was alone.

Once I listened to heartbreaking music.
It wrenched my soul and heart
With a glorious yet terrible resonance
I longed to ask, 'Do you feel it?'
But there was no one to hear.

5/20/98 (unfinished)
 
 
 
 

To my roommate on her birthday
With best wishes for the year,
Now you're nineteen and all grown up,
But still happy and carefree.

I shall never forget your belching
And my rating of the same
Nor your crying about sad movies
Or your kindness to everyone.

So I sit down to write this
In your honor on this day
And I pray that you may always
See the wonder of the world.

Happy Birthday Jennifer!

Spring/98
 
 
 

Pandora Revisited

I stand on a threshold looking in, like a shy child
So many half-hidden wonders and treasures within
And just a tiny keyhole to look through
That only a few can find
Do I possess the key?

If I have the key, dare I unlock your heart?
A mighty stronghold with thick walls of stone
With a small hidden door, so like my own
What lies inside, a wondrous garden
Or a dark terrible prison?

I am Pandora and her fatal curiosity is mine as well
I will open the door, if I may, regardless
Only, once the door is opened, I will be caught
With the cords of my heart to what lies beyond
Bound forever, be it heaven or hell.

3/25/98
 
 
 

The Morning Star

By thy cold still light
In the dawn of the day,
The woods are silvered
Both shining and gray.
In the dark before daybreak
Thy radiance burns,
As the chill winter light
Draws on to a close.
Then the eastern horizon
Slowly lightens with time,
And the silence of darkness
Is broken with song.
When the rays of the sun
Come over the hills,
Thy light is softened
And swallowed by dawn.
Then once overpowered
Thee retreats to await,
The coming of dusk
When thou shalt awake.

3/3/98
 
 
 

I Sing

O Lord I sing to Thee and Thine
As I stand here waiting upon Thee
I sing, I sing,
I sing, I sing to Thee.

I sing of Thy birds and Thy trees, O Lord
I sing of the waterfalls You made
I sing, I sing,
I sing, I sing to Thee.

Thy works, O Lord, I praise Thee for
I praise the sea and the sky
I praise, I praise,
I praise, I praise Thy works.

I dance in Thy fields and meadows, Lord
I dance on the banks of the rivers
I dance I dance,
I dance, I dance for Thee.

3/1/98
 
 
 

I'm living this day for today
That I may never fear
The stones thrown at your dreams
That come with the break of day.

Chorus:
I'm waiting for tomorrow
The tomorrow that may never come
I'm waiting for the sunrise
That I may never see again.

I'm living this day for You, Lord
That I may never fear
The words You'll say in the morning
The day you come again.

Chorus

I'm living this day for Your people
That they may never fear
The cold that comes with the nighttime
And the heat that comes with the day.

Chorus

3/1/98
 
 
 

What is it that makes you look at me?
Why do you stare from across the floor?
All the things you do, the actions you take
Do you know what it means to treat me in such a manner?

I am frightened, apprehensive, so afraid
I do not want to love you,
Why must you love me?
I feel like I keep slamming a door in your face,
bolting, locking it and destroying the key,
yet you persist in not noticing what I have done
The door keeps developing cracks that
I must patch before they become worse.

2/27/98
 
 
 

The Meadow

I feel like a falcon with a broken wing
A pinioned hawk in a meadow
The sun shines, the flowers are beautiful,
And I cannot fly.

I feel like one gone suddenly blind
A young child without sight
The birds sing, the sweet breeze blows,
And I cannot see.

I feel like a dancer who has been maimed
A ballerina without legs
The grass is blowing, the field beckons,
And I cannot dance.

I feel like a wild mare with hobbled feet
An Arabian confined with ropes
The wilderness calls, the wind begs,
And I cannot run.

I am a woman who loves to sing
A young girl who loves to praise You
Your brook is sparkling, Your meadow is beautiful,
And I cannot sing.

2/27/98
 
 
 

I am a besieged wall
         a battlement under attack
I am a forgotten ruin
         lying desolate in the barrens
I am a round tower
         standing abandoned by the sea
I am a soft whisper
         of a lonely leaf in the winter wind
I am a bubbling murmur
         of a brook beneath ice
I am a voice of a child
         wailing in the night
I am a song of a woman
         weeping as she works
I am a torn battle standard
         waving supported by bodies
I am a chill glint
         of cold sunlight on snow
I am a battle cry
          of men who see their death
I am despair, I am hope,
I am Life,
 Seek me those who dare.

I am an angry snarl
         of a lioness with cubs
I am a shrill scream
         of an eagle's prey
I am a north wind
         biting a young bud
I am a pure silence
         before the hurricane
I am a harsh whistle
          of a huntsman's arrow
I am a proud look
         of a stag in a meadow
I am defeat, I am victory,
I am Life,
 Seek me those who dare.

2/27/98
 
 
 
 

Doors...

I am so weary
So afraid...
Long ago I let You in
By inches.
So many locked doors...
Locked door without keys
Hidden away
In the depths of my heart.

But then you came
So gently...
You are the Key
To all the doors long forgotten.
The doors are open now
Empty.
Like floodgates,
Released one by one after the storm,
They loose the tide.
Their contents are gone
Borne away by my King.

2/14/98
 
 
 

Transitions

Changes in life
Position, Station
Hopefully smooth
From grade school,
Through college,
Into the beyond.
Transitions...

Changes in gait
Carriage, extension
Collected and flowing,
Through haute ecole,
Until perfection.
Transitions...

Changes in view
Arguments, position
Flowing logically
From one to another
Through each idea
Until concluding.
Transitions.

12/97
 
 
 
 

Gateway of my Heart

I see you look and strain to see
What lies beyond,
The gateway of my heart.

The surface glimmers darkly,
Giving hints of the depths below.
I see the wonder in your eyes.

Beneath the thick veneer,
The hidden true self glints
Within the occasional flash of lightning.

I long to see past your eyes
Into your soul.
Glancing up, I see my heart's desire reflected.

In two lifetimes, is there enough?
To go beyond
The gateways of our hearts.

1/25/98
 
 
 

I Search
I peer out at the world
I hide behind my hair
I wonder what they're thinking,
Away out there.

I wonder how they think of me
I wonder what they say,
As I peek out of my shell at times
And duck back in.

I wait and wait in hope,
I pray that they will see,
The me that's locked up here inside
Afraid to come out.

For I know what I desire
And I know just what I seek
But how am I to get there
That's what I don't know.

At times I feel so helpless
At others so confused
I wander here in darkness,
And stumble in my pain.

I wonder when I'll find them there,
Just lying in the sun
The hopes and dreams that are me
That make me who I am.

The seem to have fled away
They look very blurred
The dim shadow of my future
Casts a pall on all.

So then I turn to God,
Who loves me just for me
And He wipes all my tears away
And lifts away my pain.

11/20/97
 
 
 
 

Standing on the brink of Forever
Wondering if...
Wondering how...
Wondering where...
The river will flow.

Flowing out into the Beyond,
Falling down the cliffs of Beware!
Bubbling around the islands of Calm,
Tumbling through the rapids of Dare!
Who knows when
Each will appear.

Cling to the driftwood tossed your way.

8/31/97